BRAIN TUMORS

we went back to wisconsin for some reason. i shouldnt say for some reason like its a goddamn mystery, like i had no idea we were going to play a show in Appleton. but jesus, Wisconsin – there’s a reason so many strange things came out of there. Andy Peterson included. Andy Peterson, who made us stop at this cheese store shaped like a castle where you’d swear there was a real moat around the thing based on how many times Andy had to circle the place, missing the entrance. to be fair, it was pretty easy to be dazzled by such a stupid thing.

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i realized i forgot a bunch of shit from cleveland. rather than explain it to you, i’ll post some supplemental pictures and pretend youre smart enough to figure out the rest.

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we were on tour. so we went to McDonalds.

it was at an oasis. the name is misleading as it gives you the picture of some sort of salvation hidden in the desert, but i will explain what an oasis is to you if you have never embarked on a journey into nowhere: an oasis is some fucking dumpster off a toll road so you don’t have to pay an additional toll by getting off the road, technically. an oasis has nothing but bad gifts and if you are lucky, a Panda Express. that of course, depends on your definition of luck.

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here it goes – a rundown of whatever bullshit we did for four days through the midwest, a land i’ve often admitted to hating. i suppose it has its charms, sure, but overall its a snowy mess of mentally regressive shitiots. ha ha ha, get it? shitiots? like that song of ours?

yeah okay

anyway, it all started with some sort of bad idea from Andy Peterson, the Fashionable Idiot and undisputed king of making bad ideas work.

hold on, let me sign into my AOL account and i’ll just pull the fucking thing up.

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brain tumors will be in these cities in early 2012

1/12 – milwaukee at quarters
1/13 – cleveland at now thats class w/homostupids
1/14 – chicago with culo
1/15 – appleton with who knows

bring food

to throw

man, i’m a real fuckin’ bonehead. no excuse for why i havent updated this thing, but also no real excuse for why i do a shit job at work and dress like a dunce. but because people are asking me about this shit, well, i’d better write it and close this. then i can watch the X-Files without anything hanging over my head apart from medical bills.

so nashville made us feel bad, physically and mentally despite being surrounded by reasonably cool people the entire time. but that air. so we traveled down the road to St. Louis, lamenting that we missed a killer show in Kansas City with Negative Degree and Civilized who we were gonna play with later. we stopped somewhere and somehow Aaron acquired a confederate flag license plate. after some minor arguing about what it represented, we were overruled and forced to look like racists as we traveled through the dirt-midwest, the hated and sparsely populated part of loser america, the forgettable except for how forgettable it was landscape. walgreens, walgreens, fuck you, target

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i stood in a fucking mcdonalds like you have to in every crummy small shithole town behind a man wearing a WORLD WAR II VETERAN hat. i pay special attention to the hats of veterans as in my real life big boy adult job, i work with a lot of them. people will tell you that their hats mean something, but i’m not gonna tell you what they say. anyway, this fucker was in space or hell or something, staring into nowhere. someone he knew came up to him, patted him on the side, and said, “shit, you look pretty good for a 106 year old man!”

its been a few weeks so i cant say precisely what i got from mcdonalds, or even if i got anything. sometimes i get in these really self-spiteful moods like when i find out i have $5 in my back account, i’ll spend $4, or when my stomach hurts, i’ll do something like order a Big Mac. but in all likelihood, my ethics probably stomped on the throat of my soul and made me get a salad.

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on the way to asheville, we stopped and some kid talked to us. he was wearing one of those flat brimmed hats with the shiny stickers on them, but he had bent the hat. funny because Pat had bought this flat-brimmed retard hat with a dollar sign on it back in Ohio and i kept telling him he needed to bend the bill to be rebellious/incredibly dumb. guess this kid already beat him to it. at one point pat had that hat and a livestrong bracelet i pulled out of my friend’s old room, just to make sure our troupe was a tumbling embarrassment.

so this kid started talking to us (i think also wearing one of those target/wal-mart skull shirts, like the guy in richmond) and the conversation went like this:

“so yall in a band?”
“yeah.”
“man i just got out of jail. 18 months.”
“what for?”
“not paying child support”
“uhhh”
“i’m in a band, we play prince covers and shit. might sound kinda gay but we’re the biggest band in morganton.” Continue reading →